sunnydayssparklingnights:

(via imgTumble)

and I begin to regret it more each and everyday - as I continue to break what I have because I never felt appreciated by you. You suck.

(Source: skinny-l0ve-lasts, via buritknee)

10:32 pm  •  24 February 2012  •  13,985 notes

littleelk:

wontloversrevoltnow:

a softer world: 765

ouch, but yes.

Probably

12:18 am  •  7 February 2012  •  24 notes

I hope that in the New Year you are less crappy about being there for people who are always there for you.

Yes, you.

4:28 am  •  1 January 2012

(via shipwreckedsailors)

1:32 pm  •  27 December 2011  •  3,478 notes

You are like a ripple through the fabric of my time and like the shore, I continue to absorb you.

12:55 pm  •  27 December 2011

I know you need to find what you thought you left behind in a past life I won’t question why the only light that you have you gave away.

12:35 am  •  24 December 2011  •  12 notes

Sometimes I feel like your silences asks me to… but then I realize that it’s just me trying to convince myself you actually are.

9:28 pm  •  20 December 2011  •  4 notes

“If I had a gallon of oil for every time I thought about you in the course of one day, there’d be a war in my front lawn.”

—

Loan Tran (via aisfjdkg-)

CREEPIN’ ON MAHSELF

(Source: real-mean)

9:55 pm  •  7 December 2011  •  6 notes

I like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
I like riding the bus  alone, and walking home alone.
It gives me time to think, and set my mind free.

I like eating alone, and listening to music alone.

But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their best friend, I realize that even though I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely. The sky is beautiful, but the people are sad. I just need someone who won’t run away.

(Source: buddhacoffee, via dirtyknife)

9:48 pm  •  7 December 2011  •  174,534 notes

OH MAN. I’m starting early because reflection will be something I will become less and less motivated to do as we approach the new year.   

I’m going to try to pull memories from the beginning of this year up until now…

So January was an interesting month. I remember feeling really upset, really heartbroken, really confused. I remember feeling really foolish and naive and ridiculously vulnerable. Things moved really fast and I felt really stuck. I’ve gone through this blog countless of times: running across passive-aggressive posts, being really angry, and really sad. But at the same time, January was a pretty good month. Most months are pretty good.

I can’t remember much of February but I’m sure something fabulous happened.

March was a great month - traveling to DC with a bunch of activists and lobbyists. Finally feeling like I pulled myself out of an emotional trench… etc. Then March turned a little sour because my life became a little sour.

April was fine - I got high, had fun, danced a little. And! I even went on a retreat that I really enjoyed. I feel like there were some bad parts in April too, but, my mind has a nice way of helping me forget.

June was completely awesome. June was really really awesome. I went to NY with Melissa and her family - drove a boat, had way too much phone sex, felt emotionally and romantically reassured, got myself the most tourist obvious NY Yankees hat, EVER. June was great. I loved June.

And I loved July too - for many reasons. I had been invited back by GLSEN to join them for their media ambassadors’ summit… this time in LA! It was great. And I was really into someone and they were really into me. And I went camping and I had tent sex and I threw up a lot and I even pooped in the woods. But July was beautiful.

August started pushing me back into the flow of things: being extremely busy with way too many things at once. Up to this point, Charlotte based Drop the I Word campaign had been up and running for 3 months and we were making good progress. We got an NPR affiliate to sign on, County Commissioner Chair, Jennifer Roberts, to sign on, we reached out to CLT observer, WSOC-TV, etc.

September rolled around and my emotional well being was at stake. I was feeling overwhelmed and I needed lots of space and I communicated that poorly. By this point, I had been in an exclusive relationship for 2 months and around this time I started spilling out all of these new feelings… which I found out induced a lot of emotional baggage for another person. September was stressful. But aside from that, I got to go to the Federal Partners in Bullying Prevention Summit in DC!

October was a little better. I was attending my second out of state anti-bullying summit of the last quarter of the year. What was even better was that I was paneling at the White House Initiatives on Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders. Then for some reason, which I regret now, I reconciled with myself, went back on my words, and spilled out my emotions again.

November became really stressful, November became really emotional. I cried so much in November it wasn’t funny.

And here we are now, in December and I am still, in some fractions, really raw, bitter, and upset. And I may transition into individual letters to “people of the year.”

Finn,

I just don’t know what I’m going to do with you. Around this time last year, I was aching for the day when I could count your arrival on my two hands. And when that day came, it felt as good as actually having you in my city. I don’t think I ever told you this but we bought the bunk bed in part because you were coming - before that, I wasn’t really motivated to move from the floor or the bed I would continuously bounce back and forth from. I realized that during your time here, we spent a lot of time in my room, laying in bed… I don’t know if I lived up to your expectations. I don’t know if you experienced enough. And still, to this day, I don’t feel like I am enough. And maybe it’s just the communication gap between that makes me feel this way… makes me feel unimportant and on the shelf. I’ve never regretted being there for you and in fact, it was one of the things I thought I was best at… but sometimes I felt like my only purpose was to be there for you. And through the course of this year, I felt like you just put me aside and whenever you needed me or thought of me, you would just pull me out. And some days that feeling sucks but not a day goes by that I don’t think about you… that I don’t foolishly glance at my phone hoping for a “I hope you’re having a good day” or “good night” message. Things have changed. And while I love you, and while I am in love with you, you make me angry, upset, and lonely. That just isn’t cool for a lot of reasons. Though I am working hard to get rid of the jealousy I have when you are dating other people because I know a lot of it is just what society has taught me, I know that a lot of it also comes from the fact that we are so far away or that our conversations are way too spread out or scarce. I was really hoping that I could see you this year, I really was. And my heart aches knowing that I won’t be and now knowing that if I were to have come, I would have interfered with your relationship. You’re a confusing being. But I love you, doofus. And sometimes I hate it.

Jae,

Wow. I just have no words for what has happened in the past month. What makes me really angry, both with me and with you, is that any of this ever happened. I am angered with myself for not being able to communicate better and most importantly, I am angered at myself for expecting that things would be the same. I am angered at you for not relaying your feelings to me. And I am even more upset and heartbroken when I think about how quickly things happened. Not only do I regret telling you about my feelings, I regret letting you back in sexually and emotionally. And I am sorry that I let you in. Nothing confuses me more than holding your cervix between my finger tips for 3 days on end and several days later it is all changed. It’s about more than the sex… it is about the connection that I thought we recovered and it’s about the vulnerability that lies in it for both of us. I hate that I am such an internet creep because I found out about your relationship via tumblr. And that sucked because I spent that entire weekend feeling like something had changed and I tried to play it off by sending you this and that text messages, asking you to go camping with me, and who would’ve known, you’re there and you’re laying with someone else, you’re sharing with someone else. And you don’t even have the nerve to tell me so I could stop acting like an idiot, like a burden, like the troublesome text message notification sound that comes up and you want to avoid. You led me on. You led me on. And I did my fair share of hurting you and for that I really do apologize. But you came to experience what I experienced: being overwhelmed, stressed out, and not feeling competent for a relationship. You knew what it meant for me to be in that position. But aside from this mess, but not to erase my current emotions, I thought what we had was great… I’m never going to be able to compare it to what you and Damien have. And I guess one that that will be okay. But not now.

Mom,

This year with you has been really interesting. I feel like this year in particular has helped me understand more about myself and how much of you in is me. And I just really appreciate you, I really love you, and I really, really, really am grateful for the sacrifices that you make on a daily basis. I know that sometimes I anger you, that sometimes I make you cry but know that you do the same to me… and one day we’ll be able to talk.

I guess I’m done for now.

9:44 pm  •  7 December 2011  •  1 note